Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Christianity...

I have been going back to church these days... I've been going to church for 1 month already! But i cant help it but to feel guilty each time i go to church... wanna know why?........ cause i sin alot... oh before i go on, people that have a strong christianity faith (that will get angry to the max when someone talks something bad about christianity) is not advisable to read on.. If u r ok with anything goes.. then read on la... But bear in mind, i respects God alot...I don’t intend to insult or question God in anyway ok.. But what I am about to say and ask might offend some people here.. I apologise if i did...

Ok going back to part where i sin alot... well, yeah.. i sin alot... and im not the type that goes to church every sunday acting all holy n shit but then sin the remaining days of the week....

U see, out of the 10 commandments in the bible

1. “Thou shalt have no other gods before me”
2. “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image”
3. “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain”
4. “Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy”
5. “Honour thy father and thy mother”
6. “Thou shalt not kill”
7. “Thou shalt not commit adultery”
8. “Thou shalt not steal”
9. “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour”
10. “Thou shalt not covet”

I think I probably break 3 or 4 almost everyday… not 3 or 4 everyday… but at least 1 per day and probably 3 or 4 per week… I know, Im sinful, I feel really sinful myself too…

Anyways back to the story, I started going to church since I was young.. when I was like 9 years old.. up until 16 years old.. cause my parents stopped going to church since I was 16… Wanna know why my parents stopped going to church? It is because the people from Church keeps on taking advantage on my parents' wealth.. whenever they need money, the first person they approach is my parents.. need money for renovation and etc etc... they look for my parents... its not like my parents is not wiiling to help.. but then seriously, they just keep on coming for small little problems as if my parents print money k... My parents is not like the wealthiest person in Penang but they only have enough to support us and especially me..the daughter that can spend alot (because of my studying abroad la).. ^_^

My previous pastors and etc.. they tried to talk me into christianity.. they want to baptised me... but I refused... i refused them for like sooooo many times... I did not want to be baptied because i knew im a sinner and i know I will still keep on sinning.. Whats the point of getting baptised when u know u will sin? Im really not those types that pretend to be holy on sunday, claim themselves as christian but they sin like hell... Same concept to buddhism also.. like when u watch the chinese gangsters movie.. each time before they go for a war fight and killing with another group of gangsters, they will pray to their Gods and ask for protection... wat the hell!! really dont makes sense k...

Then when I entered college until today, I only go to church whenever I feel like it… so these days, I started going to one...I felt really really sinful going to one.. cause u know why… The reason is that and the truth, I never intend to stop sinning…

Take one of the commandments for example, Thou shalt not lie.. How to not lie?? I lie every single day man! To me, I have to lie to go through my day… Its not like I want to be liar or what la.. but I think, sometimes by lying.. it will not cause any trouble.. cause sometimes, to be completely honest, will lead u nowhere and get u into trouble.. really…!

Take another commandments for example Thou shalt not commit adultery..
To my understanding, Thou shalt not commit adultery means no sex before marriage right? How can this happen in today’s world? When u have encountered the wonders of orgasm, u would want to have sex every single day k (ok, maybe not everyday but at least 4 times per week, LOL)… and you will feel more bonded with someone u love… and maybe that is the reason why there is more love problems when people have sex without thinking rationally.. But still, I still think orgasm is the most wonderful thing that is ever created… (mind me..^_^) Therefore, i need to have sex and i would dump my bf if he sucks in bed! im serious k... Cause i think sex is very important in a relationship... Bad sex, bad relationship... but this doesnt mean i would simply sleep around k.. i have my class one k... so perverts, keep out!

Anyways.. please tell me, how to be a good Christian.. It really hard to not sin.. really… But honestly, I don’t intend to stop sinning… so, I really feel bad of going to church… Whenever I go to church, I start to imagine everyone’s head is surrounded with pure blue light… mine is like evil red light surrounding me.. get wat I mean? Kekee… But i dare to go to church these days cause i dont sin as much as before anymore... this is because bf in Msia.. So, i dun commit adultery for now... hahahahaha...

Sighh… I don’t know… I really don’t know what to do… I am seriously a confused lost black sheep… I still refuse to be baptised... even when people ask me whether are u a christian? My usual answer is "errmm, im suppose to be a christian because my dad's father is a christian.. but im not baptised and i dont go to church".. and people always gives me the blank face each time i answer them that... heheee...

Each time i have somethings to ask God, i didnt dare to do it... like for example, each time my pastor in church asked us to raise our hands if we have needs, if we need God to help us and then the whole church community will be praying for you... and i never fail to ask myself, "do i deserve to ask for prayers and needs when i dont intend to be baptised..? Do i deserve God's blessing when i sin on purpose? Do i deserve it when i intend to keep on sinning?" sighh.... I never dared to ask so much from God... cause i think im a black sheep...

So any opinions?... please comment, I really need some answers… but please… after reading this, please… don’t judge me as a bad person after what I’ve wrote… but im really just being really truthful… I am really nice to people who are really nice to me.. So don’t worry, I wont lie to people that are nice to me… ehhehee.. ^_^

and again, im sorry if i have offended anyone.. it is really just my thoughts.. i never intend to make fun of God or anything christians at all... I just needed some answers myself... I really do love n respects every God la...

peace ppl... ^_^

5 comments:

Winnie said...

Its because we are not perfect and sinful, that's why we need God.

God knows we are far from perfect, thats why Jesus died on the cross for our sins.

Salvation is not earned, no matter how many good deeds we do, how holy a life we lead, cos God's love for us is unconditional, its not based on what we have done or have not done.

All of us sin, and we will continue to sin cos we are only human and live in a fallen world. But with His strength, His guidance, we can grow to be more Christ-like.

Its just like relationship with your parents. If u do something really sinful or wrong, does it mean ur parents don't love u anymore?

princessladyjane said...

seriously winnie... thank you very much... i took so much time thinking n this is the first time that i actually realised how great my parents are.. thanks...

JIB-89 said...

"I did not want to be baptied because i knew im a sinner and i know I will still keep on sinning.. Whats the point of getting baptised when u know u will sin? " well whats the point of taking a bath everyday if you know your just gonna get dirty again? if you can answer that, then there shouldnt be any more doubt about participating more often in your church or getting baptised ;)

ChriStiNe said...

Hello!

i like your blog! happen to stumble upon it from Kenny's

I agree with what Winnie said. I believe that Christianity is more than a religion. It's ultimately about our relationship with our creator, our Savior. I would encourage you to get baptized, but this decision is between you and God. Baptism does not provide salvation. But baptism allows you to declare to the whole wide world that you have accepted Christ and have believe in His grace.

I pray that you will experience God more and more as each day passed by :D

JustAnotherTragedy said...

I think religion should only be a guide to us in life. Nothing more than that so I dont suppose you need to feel too bothered about it really.