Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Crappiest Daughter...

OH MY GAWD!!!!

I just realised that im the crappiest daughter in the whole wide world k..

After posting an entry about christianity... my friend winnie posted a comment to me ... and this is what she said..

i quote wat she said...

"Its because we are not perfect and sinful, that's why we need God.

God knows we are far from perfect, thats why Jesus died on the cross for our sins.

Salvation is not earned, no matter how many good deeds we do, how holy a life we lead, cos God's love for us is unconditional, its not based on what we have done or have not done.

All of us sin, and we will continue to sin cos we are only human and live in a fallen world. But with His strength, His guidance, we can grow to be more Christ-like.

Its just like relationship with your parents. If u do something really sinful or wrong, does it mean ur parents don't love u anymore?"

Seriously, oh my gawd!!!

I never realised that... i always thought they dont love me... shit man.. im such an idiot...

I have done so much to my parents.. gave them so much disappointed yet i still blame them for everything that i've done wrong... cause i always say they dont know how to raise a child k... After what winnie has said, i realised that my parents forgave every nonsense shit that i've done to them... i seriously felt like the crappiest daughter k...

I can honestly say that my parents arent perfect... They dont know how to express their feelings to their kids.. they dont talk and communicate with me, my bro n sis much... all they know is to work.. and i used to think that the way they show their love is to just give us money... and when they have their stupid mood swings, they dont give us money and screw us for no reason... this is what i used to think... but i guess nobody is perfect..

I remembered when i was young, they used to beat the crap out of me when i do little things wrongly.. i used to hate them.. hate them for not letting me go out... hate them for controlling me so much...

but they still loves me even though they know i hate them to the max.. they still cared for me when my school grades are failing (even though they will beat n screw me like crap).. but they still send me to overseas to study even though my results arent that good.. cause they know that i cannot survive without a degree...

and these days, i've been going through hell in my relationships... i disappoint them so much because of my messed up relationship which i brought to myself.. but they r still there to care for me, stand by me and try to support and help me from my messed up relationship...

I admit, even though my parents is abit fucked up in their own little way.. sometimes they swear at me to be just a whore and ask me to just die.. said so many demeaning words to me... but i know they never mean it.. cause i know they just want to push me into a better person...

I just realised all these today... my gawd.. im so stupid k.. 24 years old already only realised... But anyways, i just wish that they will screw me less.. each time i goes back to msia, all i get is scolding n endless scolding.. sighh... and being me, i tend to be so hot tempered n get more stubborn when someone screws me...so i always end up yelling back at them whether im wrong or right... sigh.. im a crappy daughter.. i know...

Anyways, i wrote an email to my mum today.. telling her that im sorry for everything that i've done... so damn shy k... i was never this sentimental towards my parents.. i think they would probably got heart attack when they read my email... cause it will be a shock to them that i write such emails... hehehe... i dont how will they reply huh... they better not call me and discuss bout it cause i will put on a macho jane mask and talk to them like it was nothing.. im always like that... ehhee..

ok, back to bloody assignments now... ^_^

ps: sorry if this entry is too gay to take... i find it gay too..
*shy* *shy* -_-"

2 comments:

Michelle said...

Jane oh Jane! Finally you realise the love of GOD! I read your previous post, been thinking the whole day on how should I tell you about God in your language. Then returning home to find that God has already answered you through Winnie. How amazing is that! There are times when we are covered with trials, we tend to ignored God's soft prompting, and this is when He send angels in the form of friends to pass His message.Remember girl, no matter what happen, no matter how much you sinned, even if the world forsake you, God will never ever abandon you. You will forever be His precious daughter! Continue to seek for Him k? You will be in my prayer!Hugs...

www.RojakAd.com said...

I uploaded my first ugly homepage draft today, googled rojak n somehow bumped into ur blog.

Grew up squatting, i've always hated my parents for my traumatic poverty stricken childhood. Jane, pls count yourself truly fortunate. I had to fend for myself from age 6 n fund my studies.

Speaking of sin, i've literally broken all the 10 commandments n 50 more coz deep inside i know i've never belonged here since birth. Yet slowly am i beginning to realize things happen for reasons beyond our own in-divine intelligence.

God or not, GOD = Genius Of Design. Perhaps we're here to experience His design coz we're undoubtedly His greatest ever creation yet.

Have fun experiencing!
TJ
www.RojakAd.com