Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Settling Down??

As everybody knows... Im settling down... My life now is all about my bf... Every single day is all about him...

But i cannot help but wonder... What does settling down really means?

I know my boundaries here... I live a life like a married woman.. wherever that i wan to go, i need to ask permission from my the other half.. whatever that i need to do, i need to inform him first... But does it include being always alone.. caged down...?

I used to go out alot.. going out parties n events.. every single weekends... When i was in KL, if there's an event, u'll see me there... Now, i dont even bother about events, not excited about it at all... But there are many times, i longed to go partying... just once in a while... I believe it will do no harm right? But the process on getting my immigration officer approve it gets tiring... I hate the feeling that when i nicely ask for permission to go out clubbing, with my bf along... he will start to insult, shoot me of my past life... give me many nonsense so that i end up not going... My applications always get denied... But i still suck it up n end up listening to him... But there are sometimes, he cannot feel my pain inside... All i wanted was to go out crazying, just once in a blue moon... Im not asking every weekend! Every since i came back from KL for good last July, i have never touch alcohol for the purpose of fun n get drunk.. I never go to clubs since then.. NOt even once! What i do everyday in Penang is Monday till Saturday.. my bf works.. full day... when he work, im alone... i do nothing.. i either go to work or sleep at home.. watch dvds, wait for him to finish work.. And when saturdays come, i hate to go to the malls alone.. cause everyone will be couply or with someone... but im alone... The most looked forward day of the week is sunday.. when he doesnt work.. I get to spend my whole day with him.. And his mood is usually good from Saturday night till sunday... Cause he dont have to work.. so his mood is exceptionally nice... During working days, his mood are seriously like a stick got stuck up in his ass.. sour, angry or tired...

There are times, when i feel really lonely... i think to myself.. Is this worth it?? Doing all this for him.. is it worth it? All i do everyday is nothing... i wait for him to finish work n my life revolve around him... Its so much about him that it worries me.. Is this right? Is this worth it? And usually, i tell myself its worth it cause there's this something inside me tells me that i will never be able find someone like him anymore.. no doubt he's not that good looking, not tall, not rich, has this crazy temper like me once in a while... but i feel that he is the most honest man i have ever met... He gives me security... He gives me this feeling that he will never betray me.. He is loyal... He loves me so very much and its worth it for me to give all my loyalty to him...

But at the same time, i've lost so much... I lost touch with all my friends... i lost many friends... i lost my own faith... lost confidence... Its like without him, i dont know wat to do anymore... i got too dependent on him... It also scares me that im settling down so fast... There are times, i even ask myself... If this is the life i want? Is this kind of life enough for me? Dont get me wrong, i dont wanna go back partying n do more nonsense anymore.. Its just that I cannot help but wonder... Is there more out there? For example, when the weather is so freaking hot these past few days.. I was thinking.. am i meant to be here, stuck in Malaysia for the rest of my life? Where else, 5 years ago, i dreamt of new life in Australia... having 4 seasons weather for the rest of my life, making five figure income with my degree... And five years ago, never in a million years i would want to settle down like this... boring n mundane... Yes, in total honest... as much as i love my bf so much... my life is seriously boring n mundane... But what kept me going on is that... I keep on thinking to myself... My bf is worth it.. This is how normal people settle down.. Worth it to be boring... dedicate everything i do n share everything i do with my the other half.. prepare n learn how to start a family... If i still continue partying n go crazy every weekends like every other people do... No guys would ever treat me seriously... who would wan a party girl to be their wife???

There are some friends of mine, they say they pity my life... They feel that im missing so much in life... Doing nothing n wasting my life on someone controlling as him... To my friends, he is controlling...

Yes, he may be over controlling at times.. but i see it as prevention of any possible future nonsense to happen.. U know, those cheating n nonsense shit (and you guys know, how complicated can a relationship get these days)... And i personally, really feel i am not missing much in life.. I believe i have play, partied, done and tried many things that other people have not... I am satisfied with my life.. i have done n tried so many things that i dont think i am wasting my life away.. Im old, I need to retire from the partying wild life... I wan to start a family... I wan to get married n have baby... this is my new goal.. this is what i have not done... And i seriously envy people with family.. Everytime i see a family of three, a couple and one young baby looking all happily like that, i envy them.. I wan to be like them...

But when i see my other friends my age or older than me goes out partying every weekend, i dont feel a bit envy... I have done those and feeling superb boring with those adi... And when they give me the pity look, i actually kinda pity them in return... I dont know why i feel that... I know people have their own reasons why at this stage, they still party n go crazy.. but dont they think they are abit too old to compete with 16 years old girls to like 22 year olds? There are some girls... over 30.. mid 30s and still act like as if they are 21 or 24 like that.. i feel sad n pity those kind of girls... I dont wanna be those aunties trying to be young.. i wan to act my own age... And at my age, im suppose to be settling down... But i dont know why, there are times, i feel doubtful.. I feel scared at the thought of settling down... Am i not ready? Am i being kiasu? Maybe there's more to life than this? Maybe i am meant for something else? Maybe this is not me? Ok, this is me.. U see, those are the questions i ask myself when i feel doubtful.. when i start to get lonely n think nonsense again.. And when my bf is being superb nice, spends all his time with me... laugh n joke with me... Show his love n care for me (which i only get that on sundays).. gives me his full attention, i feel so happy... and i feel so sure he's the one... and i know for sure i wan him to be my husband... Sigh...I dont know... I dont know why i am feeling like this... Maybe got too much free time on my hands...

So, whats the real definition of settling down huh? Am i on the right path?

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