Monday, February 24, 2014

Since becoming a mother

I have noticed that I changed a lot ever since I became a mother almost 2 years ago.. The good thing about me becoming a mother is that I will think to behave more, try to set a good example, prioritize my daughter.. All her needs comes first.. Even though I'm still lazy n etc, I will make sure the task that I'm suppose to do on my daughter is done then only I turn lazy.. I appreciate my life more even since having a daughter.. Appreciate in the sense that I'm scared to die.. I keep thinking; what if I die, what will happen to my daughter? I don't want to die yet! That kinda thinking.. Before motherhood, my life was meaningless, doing meaningless stuff, worry n bring trouble n complication to my own life for no reason.. Now, I got my daughter to think of before I do any minor/major decision.. Even something as simple as what to eat when I'm outside with my daughter, I will think n order something that my daughter could eat..

BUT.. The bad thing about me after being a mother is that I simply think a lot.. N I think so many unnecessary stuff.. I am slowly becoming my own mother.. The type of person that I don't like.. I have turned so no confidence due to my fatness.. N this has affected my relationship with my husband a lot.. I used to be this over confident kind of woman, which some part of it used to be sexy for some guys cause some guys like confident woman.. N that's y my husband fell in love with me.. Now, I have like zero confidence in my self especially my own looks.. Sigh.. I spend almost every night couldn't sleep because I think too much nonsense.. My husband put the blame on my dad for my low self esteem because my dad always insult me being fat.. Keep saying fat jokes.. N whenever he sees fat people, he will compare me to them.. Basically my own dad keeps stepping on my confidence to zero level.. I'm already aware that I have gained so much weight after baby.. N I did not bother to lose weight cause my husband didn't mind.. But yet, my dad has to keep pointing out that I'm fat.. He keeps saying it non stop for like at least one hour once.. I calculated cause I went to Australia with them for two week for my brother's graduation holiday n I got insulted every day, every hour for that two weeks.. Example of how my dad insulted me: they were talking/discussing about they wanted to go Korea for Chinese New Year.. Then I was like; yea, I wanted to go Korea also! I wanna try that... Then my dad interrupted me n say.. U know what u should do in Korea? Get a liposuction! It's just random chat n I will get insulted out of nowhere..

As I was saying, because of my low self esteem (thanks to my dad who also made it worse), it has taken a toll on my relationship with my husband.. I constantly needed assurance from my husband that I'm not ugly n etc.. Until he got fed up with me.. We fight a lot over little matters.. Whenever the fight has merely something to do with my looks n fatness, I will turn so defensive, bitchy n explode.. I seriously turned very defensive.. N I think too much.. For example, my hubby wanted to sleep on the floor because he liked the small cozy play area which I set up for my daughter to play.. But I will think, probably because I'm too fat that's y he refuse to sleep with me cause my fatness is taking up so much space.. Or like if I see him checking out other girls in fb, I cannot help it but to think that I'm too fat n not attractive anymore that's y my husband looks at other woman.. The old me, I would have looked with him n we could talk/compliment/criticize that girl we r looking at together.. Now I feel every other girls is way prettier than me.. I'm just an old, wrinkly, full of stretch marks, cellulite n fatness kind of crazy bitch.. Then we would start a fight again cause I cannot keep it inside my heart n I have to blurt out all my stupid thinking.. That's y our relationship is worse now.. I know I can say this which means I know which part is wrong.. I know.. But I can't help it when that moment comes again n my mind will start stepping my esteem again n then makes me go crazy again..
Like lately, my husband keep pressing his phone to online in fb.. He online non stop.. He can come back at 9pm n press his phone to surf the Internet until fall asleep.. N I got pissed at him.. N we fight again.. I will start saying shit like he doesn't care about me anymore.. Yeah la, I'm ugly la.. That's y u rather see other girls.. He will just keep ignoring me..
Although this is just part of our problems, we have many more other problems.. Like financial, his attitude towards me n my daughter.. My relationship with his family.. We have so many problems unsolved that is not even funny.. He always likes to brush it aside.. I always prefer to confront.. But when he brush it aside, it will make me crazier as I will end up simply think n can't sleep the whole night.. Like the past weeks, I can't sleep until almost sunrise cause I have been thinking nonsense with no solution..

Tonight, my solution is to stop caring so much anymore.. Stop talking to him cause he seem to be annoyed with me whenever I try to talk to him.. But I'm not sure if I can do it.. If I stop caring, stop wanting to talk to him anymore, I will want to stop the relationship n end it.. Cause I cannot be left alone to continue think nonsense.. I need a solution kind of person.. N I feel, if he can't help me with a solution, I will find my own solution n usually my own solution is very sudden/crazy/wateverfuckit,justdoit kind..

For now, I will try not to care so much anymore.. I will try not to be interested to know n talk to him that much unless absolutely necessary n start dieting n be thin.. I just want to get back my old self n have my confidence all over again..

My mind is all over the place right now.. On a different matter altogether, I seriously hates it when people treat me like I'm stupid.. Seriously, don't give me a lame excuse ok.. How come some people's confidence is so way over the top that they think they can bluff someone way older than them? Seriously.. *shakes head* I feel that I'm old already.. I'm no longer really interested in gossips, lies, n I don't have time for nonsense like listening to people that are full of themselves bragging n saying contradicting stuff.. It's seriously a waste of my time..

I'm gonna go reflect on myself again n make my self feel worse again n again until I turn thin n have my confidence back.. N of course some exercise.. Oh n I notice I have been venting my frustration on my run.. I run harder when i have many things pent up inside me.. It's like I kinda wish my heart would explode so that I won't think so much anymore.. But when I really feel like dying because of me running too hard, I chicken out n run slowly again in case I die n no one will help me take care of my daughter.. Or worse, if my husband remarry n force my daughter call his new wife mommy.. If that happens, I'm sure to come back as a devil ghost n torture my husband n his new wife.. Wtf.. Haha.. Good night world or good morning since it's already 5.15am here..


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


Thursday, February 02, 2012

Im a married woman!

Hey ya peeps!

Its a no surprise that im married! Hahaha... Managed to make my wish comes true with the help of the almighty God! :D

If you are friends with me on facebook, u would have already known i got married last December... Like i said in my previous entry, my plan was to get registered end of the year and get married by march 2012 then have a baby popping out by end of dragon year!.. But God was so nice to help me achieve my dream a few months earlier with a little push and miracle.. Giving me a baby! :) A few months earlier ok la.. I dont mind.. As long as i have a kid on dragon year.. :D God has been very nice to me lately by granting my wishes.. maybe because i have been good n nice.. Not ruining my life anymore, changed the way i was to a better person n thats y God is rewarding me for good behavior? Hehehee....

Even though financially not stable with my new hubby, but im sure everything will work out alright with God blessing me.. :) I dont need to live a super rich life.. Just comfortable enough to not have to worry all the time?

My wedding was quite a lavish one.. Celebrated 3 days in a row! 2nd December 2011 was my side's wedding dinner, 3rd December 2011 was the wedding ceremony in the morning and 4th December was my husband's side wedding dinner... Very tiring but it was a good experience! Seriously it was very tiring n hectic that i had no time to feel nervous about getting married, didnt really enjoy the wedding itself.. I felt like i floated past my wedding ceremony times.. a week or 2 after the wedding then only i felt the aftermath.. Like, OMG.. what did i just do? Im a married woman! Still cannot believe it until this day!

When i was a little girl, i used to always imagine how would my future husband look like, a fairy tale wedding (cause i always watch those disney fairy tale love stories) and end up, its nothing like those in Disney movies... And i told my hubby.. yerrr... So u r my husband.. :P and this how the father of my child look like.. Hehehehe... Finally its all happening... Im married! Still feel surreal though...

How's married life, u might ask? It feels the same as not married though.. cause i was already living in with my hubby before i was married.. So everything felt the same.. Its just that i tried not to cause arguments when its not absolutely necessary.. Before married, i used to blow up on every single small things... Now i learn to compromise n give in a little bit more (even though i have already give in alot before i was married).. After marriage is like, i try not to argue or fight as often as before i was married... Somehow i believe, so much arguing dont do good to marriage... But now, im trying a different approach.. As in when my hubby pissed me off, he will know.. but i dont have to yell or argue for him to know.. I guess this is a good thing.. as we both knows each other really well to the point that we both knows wat each other is thinking...

Anyways, cant wait for my baby to be out.. Just found out 2 days ago that the baby im carrying is a baby girl! Girl or boy doesnt matter! As long as she's healthy... A girl can play dress up with her... (downside is of course spending alot to doll up a girl)... Now my most look forward to moment in my life is when my daughter is out... No doubt giving birth is a very scary thought.. But i guess its all worth it for your own flesh n blood..

Anyways, if u all are interested to read my baby stories, please feel free to drop by in another blog of mine.. Exclusively talking about baby stuffs.. and i update there more often than here... As nowadays, my life is not that interesting or happening like before.. My life revolves around family, hubby n baby... So of course this blog will be abandon more...

My baby blog site is http://jsmiraclejourney.blogspot.com/

Thats all for now.. Dont know when will i update here again... But if u r interested in baby stories, go to the other blog ya... Bye bye... :D

Monday, September 05, 2011

New laptop?

I'm now actually wasting my time in Old Town White Coffee Perak Road as I brought my car to go for a wash, polish n wax.. So I got 3 hours to waste..

Would like to write about wat is happening in my life lately.. I have done nothing special in life except training to be domesticated, got very comfortable in my current life that I have no directions nor ambitions.. It's like my only ambition is to get married n have baby..

My old Dell laptop recently died on me.. Like I think 2 weeks plus ago.. The screen just died n thats it... This Dell laptop has served me well for the past 4 years plus.. And in these 4 years, I think I have only reformatted it twice n its bcos of virus.. Other than that, it has been good, tough n lasting.. My bf say that I'm a laptop torturer, never give any rest to my laptop n this Dell could last 4 years plus so it's really good..

Now, I have bought a new laptop. I wanted to buy the new Dell inspiron 15R (Red Color!) with Core i7, 640gb hdd space, 1gb video card n 6gb ram.. But I went to Queensbay mall the other day n some guy from a shop intro me Asus N 53S, 15.6 inch screen with Core i7, 640gb hdd, 2gb video card, 8gb ram and can even play blu ray disk.. It's not like I really need them but heck, it's a plus point to have it.. I just got it for a week n it already keeps hanging on me! It seriously pisses me off.. And then when it goes to hibernate mode, I cannot seem to make it wake from the hibernate mode.. Not sure it just hanged or war but u have disabled hibernate mode.. This Asus laptop looks sleek and tough.. But too bad it's not red! Pictures below :)



Aluminum outer cover...



With Bang & Olufsen speakers! Freaking nice!

Let's see how long can this Asus laptop last me this time.. :)

Don't mind me if u don't know what I'm talking about here.. I'm actually really sleepy n tired, that's y I'm blogging to keep myself awake..

I have been having loads of plans of when to get married n etc.. I actually wanted a dragon baby.. Cause since my MIL (mother in law) and my mum are both dragon people, I think it's cool n it's a great big blessing if I have dragon baby as well.. N besides, I'm no good with snake people, so I can't have snake baby.. And I can't wait till horse year man.. It's still so freaking far..

So my planning was actually to get registered end of this year and then get married by March 2012 and of course a baby popping out before the year of snake.. My mum is ok with me getting married n all first but my mil wanted her daughter who is a younger sister to my bf to get married first and she plans on marrying Nov 2012..

So I guess we will see how and etc.. But the in laws are doing like an engagement party for both my bf n bf's sister on November this year.. Its gonna be a big family affair.. It's like my parents meeting his parents n relatives n inclusive of sis in law's future husband n his parents too! There will be like 35 people attending! :)

I know, it's a boring topic and the way I'm blogging now sounds so freaking dull n boring.. But wat to do, I'm seriously sleepy now that my eyes are literally like this... -_-

There are actually many times I got inspiration to blog about some topics but that some topics might be deem sensitive to some people, therefore I had decided not to write about it.. Some topics inclusive of being a woman married into another family.. Especially when both families are very different from one another.. One other topic is that about cheating man.. Lately, I have been having this phrase in my head which keeps repeating n repeating.. N I kinda agree to it.. That all men WILL cheat if there are no consequences.. I mean if I'm a man, I would.. I read about this from Xiaxue about trust issues regarding your the other half and I totally agree with her... I sometimes don't get it why some other girls can put full 100% trust on their the other half.. My current bf never cheats on me or do anything close to that n he don't even talk to other casual girls' friend without me knowing.. N this is bcos he respects me n know how I would feel if he were to do things behind my back.. Me and my bf, our relationship has finally come into an understanding that we won't do anything which we know our the other half won't like it.. But having said that, it doesn't mean that I have to 100% fully trust my bf.. I need to be mentally prepared what if one day he decided to let me down? When it comes to trusting men, I find it hard to do so as this is because I have a 'bad childhood' (according to my bf), that's y he got to withstand my nonsense.. Cause from time to time, I will think of many nonsense to get assurance from my the other half so that I know he still loves me alot n are not cheating on me.. :) but he entertains me with all my nonsense cause he understood that this is wat I need to feel secured.. I'm not the type that u shower me with money then I will feel secure already.. I need actions n assurance.. :) This is why I love my current bf and I'm very sure that he is the husband for me.. But from time to time, I will have my mental break down n start accusing him of not loving me anymore.. N blame him for not being romantic enough then he will have to do nonsense to assure me again.. He has been patient with me so far.. :) but I wonder, how much more patience will he have on me huh..

Anyways, gotta go.. Gonna enjoy a bowl of noodles in old town and then back to get my car.. Till then, see ya.. :D

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Just figured out that I could blog on the go!

Oh gosh! I feel so retarded! Y didn't I think of looking for an iPhone app way earlier that allows me to blog on the go whenever n wherever I want???!!! I just realized this!

Now I'm blogging through my phone just to test it n my pc is just right in front of me! I know I know, I have neglected this blog for like months! But now with this application that I have, I can blog more often already!!

Stay tune, will come back here very very soon k.. :P

Let me insert my valentine's flower that I got from my the other half.. just wanted to test how is it like to upload photos through here.. Hehe..




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, December 04, 2010

List of things to do before 2011!

Here is a list of things i must do before 2011 comes... I suddenly feel super busy can?? And its less than a month before 2011 comes!!!


1) Gym every mon, wed and fri --- Me join gym already.. gotta have determination n even stronger will to go thin as Sue Ann's wedding is approaching fast!

2) Finish my 2nd year log book --- This, i think very unlikely to achieve cause its like super long n boring to do.. FML seriously...

3) Shop and buy things to prepare for Sue's Wedding --- I need to find Gold shoes to match with Turquoise colored cheongsam, A cardigan/jacket for at night wedding dinner to match with my Dark Grey silky type tube dress... But im still unsure what color jacket should i match it with.. and what color shoes should i match it with... Suggestions anyone?

4) Shop for Christmas gifts --- Supposedly look for a Christmas exchange present for my High School 10 years reunion coming on 18th Dec... with less than 20 people going... How pathetic.. somehow makes me re-consider to attend it... (Somehow if the organizers reads this, i appreciate what you all do ok.. im just ranting.. this is what i do, i rant in my blog).. I feel right, i dont know whats the point of going there lo... There are some friends n classmates whom i know n i like is organizing it, thats why im going.. Out of my respect to some of the organizers (that put so much effort in organizing it) thats y im going.. or else, i seriously dont bother... its like.. Over the 5 years in my that high school, i dont really talk to other class students.. Takan suddenly at 10 years reunion, we should start talking? That would be weird right? And im very sure its just entertaining talk (eng siu talk)... And i still remember, not many people like me in my high school days cause i have a lot of discipline problems... (u know, when u r in high school, good students will avoid n dislike students with discipline problems) hahahaha... Im still the same i guess.. cause there's still not many people liking me now too.. but not bcos of discipline problem.. I know its mainly because the way i talk, is too blunt and straight forward.. always tend to hurt people's feelings.. but what the hell.. the things i say is a fact.. cannot accept it.. Just dont talk to me la.. or pretend u cannot hear... (If i happen to hear things that i dont like to hear, i just act stupid n pretended that i did not hear; just to avoid arguments and confrontations)

5) Go to KL at least 2 more times --- One is for Sue's wedding... I super feel excited for her wedding cause her wedding is confirm wedding of the year man! And im putting her wedding as my first top priority, cause she has helped me alot in the past.. and the least i could do is help her back whenever she needed my help... Im the type that will always remember that person's good deed to me.. and i will repay back wan.. if u do bad deed to me, i will repay back too... Hehehe...

6) Finish up my 2010 work.. Office work la.. what else.. hopefully all done before Christmas!

7) Update my accounts n financial year of 2010 --- Yes, i do such things.. Just never mention cause i'll always remember to do it.. but this time, this month; seems like i got so many things to do that i need to jot it down in case i forget... (Never knew im this organised leh? hhahaha)

8) Go dye my hair... before the 18th.. (what color should i dye? Red or Ash Blonde?)

9) Manicure and pedicure by 18th...

10) Attend an event on the 10th of December!!! Muahahaha...

All personal grooming has to be done by 18th.. so im good to go for functions and events... Oh... so busy busy busy....

I cant wait for Christmas! I love Christmas!!! Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year everyone!! See you all next year!!!

Love ya!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

New Blogshop! Nouch Trend Online Boutique!

Hello guys,

Just a quick update here! My friend; more of new found good friend Sandra, just open her new blogshop selling wonderful pretty women clothings! And seriously, the quality that she sells are good stuff; excellent quality stuff.. not like those cheapo pre-order clothes that from the picture looks nice but when the real thing comes looks super turn off man...

Yes, the Online Boutique name is Nouch Trend... Pronounce it like 'Notch'... The meaning is kinda like 'Top Notch Trend'.. TNT will blow you up! *Hahahaha, i kinda just made that up!* *excuse the lameness*

As you all know, i have been addicted to online shopping lately and i have a good friend who just opened a new online boutique.. Confirm i support my friend more wan la..

Just so u know, she personally hand pick those clothings.. She goes to the wholesaler store and pick it out one by one.. So that the quality is of course confirm good... All her items are limited... Which means one specific design probably comes in 2 colors or max 5 colors... Very unlikely to find her stock having the same color and same design.. (of course unless specified)

She buys all stock in hand, so which means she has ready stock at her home.. If you want it, you pay it and then get the item the next day!... No need to wait like those pre-orders for almost a month! Usually i wait until 'no fire' for that clothes adi man... And if you are from Penang itself, u can self collect from her! Save on shipping fees!

Some of you might think the pricing is abittttttt more expensive than others that are selling online.. But u have to remember lo, her's are definitely good quality.. Confirm wont disappoint you! Somemore she personally hand pick wan... So the price is worth the quality..

Her Online Boutique tagline; "We Do Not Sell The Quality That We Do Not Want To Buy! i.e WE DON'T SELL WHAT WE WON'T BUY!"

She has good taste and everybody women out there of course wants to buy good quality affordable clothes.. Therefore, her clothes are all confirm lovable by you all la...

Please support support abit by clicking 'Like' at her Facebook Business Page

And also add her as friend in Facebook Profile Page

Since she has just started, For now she is selling women's clothing.. Later on will venture in selling bags and accessories...

She is a very hard working girl, i must say... She works full time helping her husband's business and then do this as part-time... Before she was married, she sell clothes before already.. but not on the internet, so now, she is trying to venture into this online business even though its so damn competitive.. Thats why she need support from her friends, like me! And i need your support to support her!


For your extra info, she even registered her company legitimately under The Companies Commission of Malaysia (Suruhanjaya Syarikat Malaysia or SSM)... This shows how serious she is in this business and confirm legitimate... Dont have to worry she is a conman la... Hahahahaha...

To show you some of the wonderful quality clothes she sells.. Here... here...

This Dress is only RM28 and comes with the green belt!

This one RM35 only!

This is a chiffon top that comes with the special necklace and its only RM30!

This top comes in 4 colors...Black, Blue, Pink and Red and its RM35

This long dress only RM38.. and you can glam it up with your own accessories..

The rest, im kinda lazy to write more cause its 6am already! OMG SO LATE!!! If you are interested just go to Nouch Trend Facebook Page ok! All complete info are there...






This long dress above is my favorite man! Looks super good for tall busty girls.. You can show your cleavage elegantly through this dress!

Oh, she takes her own photos and edited it herself.. cause she said; so that people can see it clearly on how the quality really looks like... Honest seller, i tell you!

If you wan to see more photos; Click here for their Opening Specials and here for their this week's New Arrivals

Thats all for now... Bye bye.. and yes, i will update about something else more interesting soon ok!

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Wow....

Wow.. i didnt realised that i have abandon and neglected my blog since June!

Fuhh!!

As i am in Penang, nothing much happening can be blog about man... the most i can do is usually talk about my boring mundane life in Penang... which doesnt interest most of u all... except for some few 'people'... Or like some stalkers!

What have i been doing since June till now? Nothing much... As usual, continue gaining weight, got more addicted to online shopping... But as of today, i vow to never buy anymore online clothes unless i go stick figure thin...

Then, spent my birthday with my bf... and only bf.. dont feel like celebrating with anyone else cause i dont have friends anymore... and old women, dont celebrate birthdays man!... Once u pass the 25 years old mark as a women, u dont celebrate birthdays anymore except with your the other half... or if u r a man!

All in all, i gain some new close gal friends since June... and realized a close friend being obviously two faced... And i miss my best friend more even though we no longer click like we used to... Met her again last week after like a month plus didnt see her... felt like i miss her alot.. but hard to find back the old feeling i used to have with her... as usual, when i saw her at the beginning, it feels kinda awkward... then it got better and comfortable in no time...

How do i start to miss her? Accidentally bump into her twice in a span of like 2 weeks? To me, it feels like a sign from God... Its like i should do something to save this friendship... But i dont know how... i really n seriously dont know how.. Its like we dont have much topic and in depth topic to talk about anymore... we only talk about surface stuff u know... So, i was thinking, i should just let time to decide... not meet her for awhile.. n maybe like half a year later or a year maybe, we might forget everything in the past and be close again?

But then God decides to take action n let us bump into each other twice! That seriously must mean something lo! But im a shit ass friend... i just dont know wat to do... Above all that, even though we dont talk as much...even though we dont seem to be like best friends anymore, She will always be my best friend in my heart... She will always be in a special place in my heart... its like she will always be that special someone to me in my heart for a long time... I know i sound gay.. but its true, so shut up...

Wat else am i going to do with my life for the rest of the year? Gonna celebrate my the other half's bday next week... My dieting start today, like seriously adi this time.. and if i dont go stick thin by next year or by the time i get married... i should really kill myself... Im so fat now that im hiding myself from friends that used to see me thin... I dont like to see the 'omg, u r so fat now' shocking look! Better hide myself... until i go thin enough n confident enough to face the world... Imagine la, even my parents also dont wan me to attend family functions cause they say its embarrassing for me n them that im so fat now... And i also dont wan to attend family functions la... U know all those aunties n uncles... same shit questions from chinese family/relatives all the time.. When u getting married la? why so fat? Dont la fat... and they can talk about my fats for like an hour plus n dont realised that im fucking pissed inside (i experienced it during chinese new eyar this year)... And if some of the people whom i know, saw me n say im not fat... I confirm know that person is a fake ass bitch! I will just give a fake smile.. and uhhh walk away...

Oh, and i bravely put on braces!! Like finally!!! Since im already ugly n fat... so i thought why not make myself uglier by putting on braces... Let all the ugliness come at once!! My braces need to be put on for like 2 and half year... need to extract 4 teeth.. But now, my braces is on for my top teeth first... And only with the top braces on, its already so hard for me to eat n chew... and since im no used to having braces, i seriously dont know where to place the braces... I usually just place them in between my lips so that i will feel comfortable (u know, metal keep on banging on the wall of the mouth feels damn uncomfotable ok!)... And i was imagining, if i have both top n bottom braces on, confirm so uncomfortable adi... dunno how to place them in my mouth!

Ok, enough blabbing... Gotta go... i will probably abandon this blog for a few months more... unless i have exciting news to share... which i doubt so...

Tata u stalkers!